A certain scenario has popped into my head today as I've been feeling depressed and suicidal as of late. It is a paradox I am faced with - "the suicide paradox." I do not have the answers on what happens after death, whether or not there is an afterlife, but I think of these two outcomes with honestly has kept me from making a rash decision. If there is no afterlife, then my life was indeed without any specific value or purpose. If there is an afterlife then it would be a bit of an irritation as I would not want to live a life after ending another. I have been reading a bit of Albert Camus and studying absurdist philosophy and it seems as if my only choice is to let it go and accept everything and anything as nothing. I waste a lot of my time seeking approval from others, morbidly reflecting on the past, and worrying about my future. In all actuality these are things that I cannot change nor do I wish to further waste my time trying to change these things. After posting this blog I may walk out of the library and get stabbed, shot, or run over by a car, or I may not. The human race especially in America has come to have an overall sense of entitlement, greed and hedonistic gluttony. I am human myself so I recognize I have these character flaws, and like a typical American human I am easily sucked into consumerism and social approval. I am not special as a human being, my problems are not unique and my plight for existence in life is ironically causing me to waste my life. So at this point, I could say the serenity prayer or just say "fuck it" and try to move on, like yeah this feeling of depression and regret sucks but getting fucked up on drugs and writing a nihilistic blog hasn't worked out so well. I'm more scared of a wasted life than I am death, because death is inevitable but my life can work out in a lot of ways, it's like a gamble. I can only play the cards I'm dealt I guess.
Smoke Weed. Listen to Music. Post Memes. Cry. Jack Off. Life. The End.
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