Philosophical Paradoxes

Today I'd like to talk about philosophical paradoxes, most notably with hedonism and nihilism. Now I've long considered myself a "progressive nihilist" and have outwardly admitted to being a hedonist - I find myself naturally attracted to escapism, such as music, art, literature, video games and film, and I've always been somewhat of a sugar addict, sex addict, drug addict, etc. Overindulgence is socially acceptable in modern American culture, and depression and anxiety are all too common.

Fredrich Nietzsche said:

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself.

What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness.

What is happiness? The feeling that power increases — that a resistance is overcome.

Hedonism is a philosophy that promotes more pleasure and less pain, but in all actuality it would be difficult to enjoy happiness and pleasure without knowing pain and sorrow. I've said before I find it ironic that the more I suffer in life the more I actually want to progress and enjoy my life. Someone who has never been through hardships and has a good life may one day find himself bored, irritable and discontent, wanting excitement and thrill as opposed to his boring but happy life. Somebody who has been through hell and back and then later on finds his purpose or his happiness will remember the dark days with a melancholy nostalgia, realizing those hardships made him who he is today.

Another paradox is the constant chasing of pleasure, a most common example would be of an addict. Once the addict realizes that he is in a constant chase of the next high, and as tolerance grows the more and more an individual uses, then he is a classic example of the hedonist paradox. What was once fun, exciting and euphoric has now left him alone, living in darkness and fear.

As an ex-nihilist, I can say there are many paradoxes within this highly misunderstood philosophy. Most nihilists are usually just extremely angry, depressed and apathetic people who don't see a point to anything in life because of problems in society and the inevitable fear of death and one's own morality. As a nihilist goes on living his life while saying life is meaningless it is almost hypocritical and somewhat of a defense mechanism. When I was 17 I gave up on life and found it meaningless, started using drugs and dropped out of high school and then roamed the streets. Recently, I found myself wandering around aimlessly, chasing the same high that I wanted, doing the same bullshit on a different day, and realized I was wasting my life with self-loathing narcissistic behavior, wasting my time being sad and angry over things I just could not change, and the drugs / sex / party lifestyle just wasn't as fun as it used to be.

I'm not talking down to nihilist or hedonist philosophy, I've considered myself one for many years. However the constant chase for drugs and sex, the bloated feeling of overeating, and the depression from doing absolutely nothing in my life have made me want to progress as an individual. As human beings we all have vices and overindulge. I went to an AA meeting where half the room were joking about being addicted to ice cream, and of course half those bums / old geezers are guzzling coffee and smoking cigarettes, which I will admit confused me at first, but then I realized: some addictions are deadly, such as alcohol and meth in my case, whereas some overindulgence is ok and a little bit healthy, like ice cream or marijuana or video games. There has to be a gray area, a middle ground if you will, when being a hedonist. Abstinence is for monks, moderation is key. I also realize that maybe there is no grand purpose to life but we as individuals need to find or create that purpose for ourselves. I cannot truly say there is no God because I do not claim to have all the world's knowledge, and I cannot say that God is dead because I don't have knowledge if he had ever existed, and I cannot say there is life after death so all I can say is enjoy your life, be kind and don't have too much fun. ^_^

20th Birthday, Changed Philosophy

Today is my 20th birthday, and looking back on my life it's been a crazy trip, especially these last two years. I lost it all, went through a lot of darkness, but at the same time it was an incredible journey, I've met a lot of cool people and I've learned a lot about myself. I've struggled and almost gave up numerous times but I'm happy I haven't yet. I've struggled with depression and addiction most of my life, but today I am thankful for all my friends and just to be alive

I used to consider myself a nihilist and "hardcore Atheist," as you can read on my old blog, but honestly I realize that was just a psychological defense mechanism I was using to hide the fact that I was sad, alone, isolated, living in constant fear and anxiety, etc. What I've learned throughout my journey in life is that every individual has to find their own purpose to life. Too many people in our society are trendy as fuck, wasting too much time on their phones and caring too much of what others think of them, which is how they lose their individuality. An anonymous quote comes to mind, "you were born an original, don't die a copy." I find it funny as most humans claim to be all about individuality and yet we all flock to a clique or group for acceptance when in reality it doesn't matter. Just be yourself and fuck what other people say; it's cliche as fuck but I feel as if I've wasted the past five or six years of my life playing the victim and living in misery. Do you still live in angry days?

One last thing I've realized:
living on the streets I've met some cool motherfuckers, smart motherfuckers, dumb motherfuckers and crazy motherfuckers and I've learned a lot about life through all of them.

Memories of Psychedelics

I've experimented with a lot of drugs in my life, and I absolutely love psychedelics. Two of the happiest moments of my life were the first time I did shrooms and a couple of months ago when I was trippin on acid at WalMart with my friends. What I learned on my first shroom trip was I had allowed myself to be happy for the first time, because I have BPD and severe depression. When I was on acid recently, my buddy showed me a song called "Angry Days" by Lagwagon and I started to realize at the peak of my trip that humans are the only ones who put barriers and complicate the world, and we as a species are capable of more than what society dictates. Nature in itself is anarchy, and I've noticed on my journeys that there are usually two types of anarchists: those who want freedom and those who want destruction. Different drugs affect different people differently, but usually psychedelics have been a positive experience, they usually allow me to think of life from another perspective and allow me to be more open minded. I used to consider myself an existential nihilist, thinking life was without purpose, but psychedelics have changed my thinking to realize that I, as an individual, cannot possibly have all the answers to the world and its creation.

Anyway, I'm thinking about leaving Durango and either going to Job Corps or to Mass. with my homie. I'm honestly not happy in Colorado and would like a change of scenery. I haven't been able to post much lately but I'll update more often.